Blog updates, Lifestyle Editorials

Feeling Confident

So this year I am going to be confident, and creative and super pretty. And I will persevere and get everything I aim for.

You know it feels more set in stone when you write your goals down. And although these targets aren’t very specific, they are targets for the future all the same.

So because of that I’ve been taking a lot of selfies lately.

A few months ago I was feeling pretty upset about my appearance, perhaps because I didn’t (still don’t) have a boyfriend, or I find myself comparing myself to my friends a lot.

I know and realise that I must love myself and life isn’t meant to be lived for others but for you. I live for me and I need to be more confident. Hence I’ve been more confident, I’ve been posting a lot more selfies on my instragram and I’ve been telling myself ‘I’m pretty’ and ‘hey good looking’ in the morning. Not because I’m narcissistic (although I may be becoming a little vain), but because telling yourself these things everyday makes you more happy and ready to gang up on the world.

So here are some of the selfies I’ve been taking lately. I believe that vanity is a cure for the weak hearted and those lacking in confidence.

So for all my readers let’s be confident and vain and a tad narcissistic and take a lot of selfies for 2018.

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Blog updates, Flash Fiction

The Art of Moving on.

When I was younger, a time in the more distant past, I considered myself quite the hoarder. I would collect items such as old tickets or toys that reminded me of old friends or fond memories.

It was my way of keeping in touch with the things I’d felt I’d lost.

But one day I realised that the truly precious things never really leave you, lessons that you properly learn remain in your heart for an eternity, and your experiences shape you into the person you are.

If the truly precious things are always with you, then I thought you don’t need to feel upset over a lost momento.

I realised that the truly strong can throw those things away and still keep moving forward no matter what.

That’s why the present me, doesn’t remain caught up in the matters of the past but can easily (well after a bit of time leave matters in the past).

I am someone training in the ‘Art of Moving on’ .

This art is more useful and necessary in life than you’d think. It gives you the ability to forgive, to persevere and to value yourself.

The reason why I was never the kid who furiously cried over bad grades and setbacks. The reason I will never be that suicide jumper in front of a train or that individual being walked over and taken advantage of is because of this art of moving on.

At first it was simply letting go of unnecessary items but then it became letting go of regrets, letting go of restraints and beginning to value myself.

The Art of Moving on allows you to be someone that is never held back from the painful things in life, but can grow and move forward from it. Untethered, always able to try your best and be free.

Although I can’t claim to be a person that isn’t unaffected by sad events. I do have regrets and fears but I don’t let them hold me back from being happy. I use them to evolve myself into a better me each day.

I hope you’ve somewhat understood what I’ve meant by this post.

During the year of 2017 I faced some challenges with personal relationships and school work but I’ve been able to persevere through them by moving past them. And in this year of 2018 I aim to continue using this art of ‘moving on’ and getting past issues and become a stronger person.

Thank you for reading ‘The Art of Moving On’.

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He loves me, he loves me not…

One day I decided that I don’t want to be the type of person that holds back. I don’t want to keep my feelings contained inside. That’s why I try to be outspoken, outspoken to the point that I’m almost blunt, perhaps even rude or even brash. To me being an outspoken person is being someone who is strong, someone who is honest in their relationships, someone who is living their life true to themselves. Even though I don’t always accomplish this I feel satisfied and less anxious by living my life this way.

Shrek says ‘It’s better out than in’ and I personally don’t think there has ever been a truer saying. Bottling in your feelings just creates this well of self-loathing and over-analysing that will just lead to depression. I want to love myself and live happily and healthily.

Of course being outspoken comes with its problems….in this case I’m referring to the romantic kind.

When I get even the smallest amount of romantic feelings for someone and I feel that they might reciprocate these feelings, rather than agonising over it I tend to put it out in the open and state it. ‘I like you’

I have a tendency to confess. Of course I say tendency but it isn’t something that happens often, I don’t like people that easily, so I don’t tend to confess. But the problem with trying to be an outspoken person all the time is that most of the time my lips move before my brain catches up with it and before I could do anything I said those words to him.

‘I LIKE YOU’

Now if you read my previous post, the one before this, you’ll know that I don’t really have any actual romantic experience and that this confession didn’t go particularly well. I mean he hugged me and I got my hopes up, only for him to say he’s seeing someone right now, but they’re not his girlfriend and he still wants to hang out.

This left me more than a but confused.

Especially because I think we look nice together, we share the same hobbies, we get on great and he’s always giving me cuddles and he never gave me any inclination that he was seeing someone.

When I told my friends about this they gave me mixed responses.

M: ‘If he says he’s seeing someone but she isn’t his girlfriend then that means he’s just being respectful right and he’s not serious about this girl. The option is still open for you he just needs to deal with the person he’s currently seeing’

B: ‘You guys are so cute together, just wait it out and keep being friends. There’s no rush.”

J: ‘He’s a player, he’s two timing you and doing those mind-games. He’s eastern European as well, they just love doing those mind games on girls and they can’t express themselves properly. Trust me girl, I told you about my past experience. Jump off the sinking ship while you can.’

Honestly I don’t know who to listen to. M made me hopeful, B calmed me down and made me wait, and J just made me worried. But the thing is I’m more inclined to believe J because I don’t know who this chick that he’s supposedly seeing is or whether she even exists. Plus if you’re seeing a girl why would you be hugging and hanging out with another girl unless you’re playing with them. Also when we started messaging he approached me first when talking, yet lately it feels like I’m the one that has to initiate and continue conversation and I’m a bit fed up.

That sad thing is I really like him.

So what do you think guys, should I jump off the sinking ship? Does he like me or is he messing with me?

Thanks for reading, please comment I’m in need of some serious advice.

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My Rotting heart.

It was as he held me in his arms as if I were his dearest love, and showed me companionship I never felt before that I was convinced that he was mine…

I am still naive and I still have an innocent heart of sorts and lack experience in those more mature type of relationships. Perhaps that’s why with only a few sweet words, only a few compliments thrown my way, and your dazzling smile my heart already melted for you.

Normally I try to hide myself away in the depths of my emotions. I don’t like getting attached, those 2D character from games, anime, and cartoons serve as the best type of love I should have. I convince myself that that is for the best because I generally have nothing else that I want more.

Usually I would have the occasional fancy, ‘oh he’s hot’ or ‘I would like that’ but passing fancy is all it is. I’m too much of an awkward human to ever really go further in a romance.

Honestly the most I’ve done is gone on two dates with another human being, held hands with them, had a small first peck for a first kiss. Then be told actually we were better off as friends. I guess I freaked him out, I guess I was forcing my hobbies and my tendencies on someone who didn’t share the same traits as myself. I felt that was unfair, they asked me out yet I was the one that had to deal with the ending and had no power over any of it.

Because of that I lost my confidence.

I don’t have the courage to like another person. ‘They don’t honestly think I’m pretty. They don’t honestly like me. They’ll realise how weird I am and that will be the end of that.’ Is what I always think.

But then You somehow shuffled into my life with your profound knowledge of the things that I love best. Telling me I’m pretty, giving me hugs every time we meet, telling me that I’m weird, but that’s okay. liking the characters I like, enjoying my jokes. Telling me that ‘any man that didn’t date you or dumped you is obviously missing out’.

For someone as naive as me I fall for things like that very quickly. I wanted to be content with being your friend but I ended up wanting that tiny bit more. That tiny bit more which I had already told myself I’d given up on. That tiny bit more which I watched daily in the lives of my favourite characters or jealously at the ones in real life.

After talking to my therapy guru I mustered the courage to confess to you. You gave me a hug and my heart fluttered. I was so light. So hopeful.

But then you said ‘sorry I can’t, not now. I’m seeing someone…but I don’t want us to change. I want to continue hanging out with you.’ You told me not to be upset. You said they’re not your girlfriend just someone you’re seeing at the moment and you want to be fair to them .

But unbeknown to you I’ve already hidden myself in my heart again. Sure we’ll still hang out. But now every time I see you I’ll feel this tinge of melancholy. I’ve already returned to my world of 2D characters and reading my manga.

I hate real people.

I wonder if romantic love is real.

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I’m actually Screaming!

So far University life has been going well for me. Although there is the odd mental breakdown from an upcoming deadline, lack of sleep, and constant busyness it actually hasn’t been anything I can’t handle. And even the crippling deadlines, after I’ve completed them, I find the experience actually quite enjoyable and it encourages me to do my assignments earlier. You know that whole ‘learning from your mistakes’ saying.

During this current month of November I have been able to make-up with friends I had disagreements with, I was feeling organised and generally pretty awesome, and then I tripped up. Well I didn’t literally trip up, I mean life threw a sword at me that I just couldn’t dodge and that sword is my flatmates.

Now for people that know me personally, I can be pretty passive aggressive. This is mostly applicable to those outside my family. I mean with strangers, friends, work colleagues etc… I mean when someone is annoying me I don’t shout or scream at them, if it’s something petty I just let it go (even if the anger is building up inside of me with latent frustration) I bear with it.

Usually that works for me because people that make me very mad I tend to omit them from my life and if I do see them again it’s on a rare occasion. Or if I have to work with them, fair enough I may have to see them most days, but we’re not close friends and they will know nothing about my private life. I like to keep okay/good relationships with people and maintain a positive image of myself in their minds whether I like them or not.

However….I can’t do this with my flatmates…because I live with them. For the past nearly 2 months we’ve lived together, and my tolerance is wearing thin.

It’s not like they’re all bad, I won’t name names but R and T and Z are great people and I generally enjoy their presence in the flat and the fact that they’re always there to help me and have a conversation with me. Honestly they’re very nice people, but O and B have been pissing me off until no fucking end.

First B who is ‘supposedly’ older, is always screaming about smells in the flat like “who took a shite!” and then he puts it in the group chat. Sometimes I’m not in the flat or just earlier I literally just walked into the flat, put my things in my room and then two seconds later I hear him screaming about a smell and I hear him accusing me. ME! I’m so mad I fling the door open and just yell at him because by this point it’s just ridiculous. He keeps making a fuss about bodily functions and generally I think he’s doing it himself. So how the fuck dare he. I was this close to punching him and O, that were laughing at me like it was the funniest thing, in the face. Other than that though, I don’t really have too many problems with B.

Secondly there is O. When I first met O I generally liked her but by this point I can’t be asked. Why? Well for starters she doesn’t clean, she’s real sneaky, she’ll eat stuff and leave all her dishes in the sink to pile up for a weeks like some maid is gonna do it for her. But what’s more annoying is that she’ll see me or the others cleaning and then say “Oh Lexi you don’t have to clean all that, I’ll clean it up” but then conveniently something comes up or she slinks away and never does. I yelled at her about it a few weeks ago telling her “Why don’t you just do it then, if not then stop fucking acting like you’re gonna clean it pisses me off.” Apparently that made her upset, but honestly I don’t give a shit. She’s the product of being spoiled by her parents I swear.

Then, still talking about O, she’s always bragging about the new house her parents bought or her car and usually I don’t care about those type of things. Everyone comes from different socio-economic backgrounds and I respect that, but when I heard it for the 100th time I nearly lost it. Like I get it you have nice things, but some people don’t and it honestly comes off as bragging so please stop.

Edit: Thinking back on those two paragraphs. My flatmates are all quite nice people and I may be over-reacting but I was in a dark place when I wrote this, hence the title ‘I’m actually screaming’.

And of course for those of you that have been following this blog for a while and know about some of my issues with paranoia and anxiety, before I deleted those early posts, then you can understand that they make me pretty anxious. Like I keep thinking they’re talking about me behind my back and that makes me upset, plus I hear them having a party or knocking on everyone else’s door saying ‘let’s hang out’ but they never knock on mine. Granted I’m not in most of the time because of my part time job, societies, lectures and other things, because I like to keep myself busy and I need the money, but the fact that I sometimes get excluded (intentional or not) honestly hurts my feelings.

Because of these feelings I’ve began distancing myself from the group which makes it awkward because I do live with them and there are the occasional run-ins. Also it’s not that I avoid them purposefully all the time but they always love going out, to the club and stuff and they think spending money like it’s nothing all the time is acceptable and they don’t care if they’re broke. But I for one like budgeting and staying to my budget and I hate when hanging with them makes me overspend.

Overall my flat mates are stressing me out a bit, up till the point that I feel pretty exhausted and mad right now.

Hopefully it will get better.

P.S I’ve started painting my own art a little, ‘the screaming me’ is the little cutie in the header, tell me what you think.

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Happy Halloween!!!!

Tis the season to be scary, to be jolly to have some creepy fun.

I love Halloween!🎃 🎃

Some people say to me that they find Halloween too scary. Someone actually told me once that they believed only Satanists could enjoy Halloween, which in my opinion is absolute stupidity. Then again she was a five year old girl and her father was the pastor of a church so her delusions can be forgiven, but still It’s not like we run around like deranged maniacs singing paganist songs.

I am, hopefully like the rest of you reading this blog, a normal person that celebrates Halloween for its enjoyable conventions, not summoning the undead.

For example I have the best time collecting sweets of all kinds despite the fact that I’m probably too old to be doing so.

Like most of us during the spooky season I enjoy drsssing up as any fantasy character I so desire and being entirely accepted for it. Unlike the weird looks you get on a train when travelling to a comic con convention, everyone is perfectly comfortable with your extra, and perhaps insane appearance. Because the season allows society to accept your craziness, even if it is for only one week or a day.

On Halloween you can go to mad parties with your friends. One of my friends went as a samurai when we went to a club recently and was waving his sword all over the place, drunk out of his mind, and not a soul batted their eyes.

Generally Halloween I believe is an innocent season where you have the ability to express yourself, eat as much sweets as you want and have all kinds of fun with your friends.

So all my dear readers have a fab Halloween!!!!

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There are always comrades in life.

Whenever you believe no one cares, you’re wrong.

Its funny to believe that in a world filled with millions to billions of people, you’re alone. That none of them care about you.

That line of thought in general is irrational. It’s statistically impossible, because your single life in one way or another has affected the lives thousands of people.

Yet this irrational line of thought is one that I kept returning to in my anxiety.

I understand and I constantly remind myself that there are many people that care about my existence.

There are many people that care about your existence but you’re just not aware.

When you’re in your darkest place, in your black hole of emotions there will always be someone there, there will always be someone that will notice. Someone that will ask after you. Reach their hand out to you. Someone to be your real friend, your place of sanctuary, your family.

It is mine, and also your job to notice the people that care. The longer you stay in your isolated little bubble of depression, thinking that no one cares about you is the longer you ignore the people that actually do care and are there for you.

Recently I started my first year of University and I’m facing the challenges of undergraduate life. Being seperated from my friends and family led me to periods of weird anxiety because I was feeling inexplicably lonely and pitying myself because I felt that I had no friends and that even If I did they didn’t care. Those kinds of negative thoughts were making me tired and sad.

I don’t like being sad or tired, I like being the positive person that makes others laugh. That refreshing breeze on a summer morning or the comforting moonlight on the darkest night. That is the type of person I want to be. Someone reliable.

During this recent Month of University I have made many friends, I have met amazing people and they noticed when I was feeling down. They noticed when I was feeling ill. I have smiled brightly and have remained positive.

They cared.

My lifetime bestfriend messages me, my family calls me. I am not alone.

I know I am loved.

There will always be people around me and around you, that will care. Knowing that they’re there makes me so much stronger.

It may seem dumb to write down ‘you’re not alone’, ‘someone cares’, as it seems so obvious. Yet actually it’s a fact so easily forgotten.

Remember you’re loved.

Have a great day xxxx

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