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My blackhole of feelings.

Do I actually have friends, I used to wonder this.

The same people that say they are my friends will exclude me from things, hang out amongst themselves and then when confronted they’d make excuses. When I thought I’d left one set of friends that made me feel this way I ran into another set of people that did the same. Leaving me trapped in my anxiety.

I can’t help but wonder, am I only an accessory to them, just someone they can have around to hype up their evening. When I’ve made them feel good and happy they forget about me. They use me for their own convenience.

It’s especially hard when one of them only uses you to moan about their feelings, never ever considering that you too may have feelings. Never considering that their words may make you upset and tired from their self-centred and contrived actions.

Am I really a human being then? Perhaps I am not. Perhaps I am just another fleeting thought. Perhaps I mean nothing to anyone.

I try to stay positive. I tell myself I’m fine, I have a family that loves me, isn’t that enough? I try hard in my studies, I always do my absolute best no matter what, isn’t that enough?

Yet why do I feel like there is a black hole where my heart should be. I want to cry but no tears come from my eyes just waves upon waves of panic.

I want to be loved by everyone, does that make me attention seeking? I want to be friends with everyone, I try so hard to be the positive and happy person but that only makes me come off as weird and awkward and embarrassing, right?

I have no one to talk to. Or more like I’m too afraid to directly talk to anyone. I’m worried they’ll think I’m seeking attention, I’m worried they’ll continue to ignore me.

I have spoken before. I have told people my feelings.

Yet I just get hit with โ€œBabes I wasn’t doing that.โ€ or โ€œIf you’d just told me I was making you feel like that I would have done something different.โ€ or โ€œDon’t worry about that I’m here for you.โ€

You don’t understand. Those words don’t reassure me. Instead they make me feel expectant. They make me believe in you more, value you more. So that when you fail me I feel 10x more disappointed, isolated and neglected.

I will probably never tell you how you’ve made me feel or what you did. To you its likely something small. Like not talking to me for a day or a week because you assumed I was ‘busy’, hanging out and making plans without me, not messaging me.

To you my feelings are secondary.

I’ll probably bottle it inside and the next time you see me I’ll smile. I’ll never let it on that I’m hurting that you’ve made me feel like utter shit. Because I am the type of person that bottles emotions inside. After I mention it once I seldom mention it twice.

I feel trapped in my mind in a shell of constant worries and most nights I can’t sleep because of it. The insomnia makes me tired, my anemia increases that tiredness and the anxiety puts me further on edge, yet I’ll still smile at you and act like everything’s okay. When it isn’t.

The only person that made me stable that removed these concerns was my sister, but now that we’re separated I feel myself going off the deep end. I don’t want to bother her with my problems, I miss her deeply.

I’m hurting. I want a hugโ€ฆ I want a lot more than thatโ€ฆ I want some type of helpโ€ฆ. That’s what I’m asking for in actuality. This is just one big cry for help that isn’t directed at one single person, but actually all my friends.

These are my feelings.

Sad thing is, I know none of you actually care that deeply, or check up on me, it’s unlikely any of you will ever read this other than random strangers or my close familyโ€ฆdo I have any real friends?

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Flash Fiction

An Encounter.

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As Aillil turned page after page of the old fables his grandfather had left him, he found himself entranced by the tales of Branwen, Cuchulainn, Tuatha de Danann, Arthur and his knights. He found himself wishing for the magic of the past to return to the present. He wondered why no one truly believed in these tales anymore, he wondered where the bards whom would slip into the Otherworlds, had disappeared to. He wistfully looked to the sky, day dreaming about Finn and his Fianna.

He wanted to prove these legends true. Aillil was frustrated. To him it felt as if the magic of the world, it’s pure quintessence was at the very tip of his fingertips but it was so very out of reach. Why was this? Why was it all so frustrating?

One evening in irritation, when the night was old and souls at rest, Aillil took his bike and pedalled into the mountains near his home. He reached out to the moon. It was so big in the sky, the stars so bright it felt like with just a simple grasping motion he could capture the heavens and join the heroes, gods, and goddesses in their paradises. Yet no matter how much Aillil pedalled it was fruitless. He was soon worn out, staring at his hands, lying on the grass of the mountain fields looking at the night.

“Why! I know you are real! Show yourselves, Show yourselves to me!!!” He yelled to no one in particular, by this point he’d already given up. He expected no response to his cry and was preparing to get back on his bike to ride home into the comfort of his bed and family.

Yet then he heard, “We hear your call.” It was a childish and faint voice that was carried by the wind to his ear.

“Join us.”

Aillil looked up and he saw the most bewitching fairies, it was like in the tales, as if they had just rode out of their underground palaces, they glowed with a celestial glint. They harboured treasures from Avalon and wore garments embroidered with the ethereal designs and jewels.

The male fairy extended his hand to Ailill, “Won’t you join us on this eve of Beltane?”

Aillil was shocked, he couldn’t believe this was actually happening. Filled with intrigue and excitement he grasped his hand. “Yes. Yes please!”

They giggled at him, and then he was pulled onto the back of the male fairy’s white and proud steed.

Aillil left with them into the unknown, and he never came back.

After I read a novel, watch an anime or read some of my favourite fables I find myself wondering about the truths of this world. I want to reach out and grasp the mysteries this realm has to offer. I want them to reach out to me. At the same time, unlike Aillil, I don’t think I would have the courage to accept that invitation and go into the unknown so brazenly.

Would you go with the fairies?

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