Do I actually have friends, I used to wonder this.
The same people that say they are my friends will exclude me from things, hang out amongst themselves and then when confronted they’d make excuses. When I thought I’d left one set of friends that made me feel this way I ran into another set of people that did the same. Leaving me trapped in my anxiety.
I can’t help but wonder, am I only an accessory to them, just someone they can have around to hype up their evening. When I’ve made them feel good and happy they forget about me. They use me for their own convenience.
It’s especially hard when one of them only uses you to moan about their feelings, never ever considering that you too may have feelings. Never considering that their words may make you upset and tired from their self-centred and contrived actions.
Am I really a human being then? Perhaps I am not. Perhaps I am just another fleeting thought. Perhaps I mean nothing to anyone.
I try to stay positive. I tell myself I’m fine, I have a family that loves me, isn’t that enough? I try hard in my studies, I always do my absolute best no matter what, isn’t that enough?
Yet why do I feel like there is a black hole where my heart should be. I want to cry but no tears come from my eyes just waves upon waves of panic.
I want to be loved by everyone, does that make me attention seeking? I want to be friends with everyone, I try so hard to be the positive and happy person but that only makes me come off as weird and awkward and embarrassing, right?
I have no one to talk to. Or more like I’m too afraid to directly talk to anyone. I’m worried they’ll think I’m seeking attention, I’m worried they’ll continue to ignore me.
I have spoken before. I have told people my feelings.
Yet I just get hit with “Babes I wasn’t doing that.” or “If you’d just told me I was making you feel like that I would have done something different.” or “Don’t worry about that I’m here for you.”
You don’t understand. Those words don’t reassure me. Instead they make me feel expectant. They make me believe in you more, value you more. So that when you fail me I feel 10x more disappointed, isolated and neglected.
I will probably never tell you how you’ve made me feel or what you did. To you its likely something small. Like not talking to me for a day or a week because you assumed I was ‘busy’, hanging out and making plans without me, not messaging me.
To you my feelings are secondary.
I’ll probably bottle it inside and the next time you see me I’ll smile. I’ll never let it on that I’m hurting that you’ve made me feel like utter shit. Because I am the type of person that bottles emotions inside. After I mention it once I seldom mention it twice.
I feel trapped in my mind in a shell of constant worries and most nights I can’t sleep because of it. The insomnia makes me tired, my anemia increases that tiredness and the anxiety puts me further on edge, yet I’ll still smile at you and act like everything’s okay. When it isn’t.
The only person that made me stable that removed these concerns was my sister, but now that we’re separated I feel myself going off the deep end. I don’t want to bother her with my problems, I miss her deeply.
I’m hurting. I want a hug… I want a lot more than that… I want some type of help…. That’s what I’m asking for in actuality. This is just one big cry for help that isn’t directed at one single person, but actually all my friends.
These are my feelings.
Sad thing is, I know none of you actually care that deeply, or check up on me, it’s unlikely any of you will ever read this other than random strangers or my close family…do I have any real friends?