Blog updates, Flash Fiction

The Art of Moving on.

When I was younger, a time in the more distant past, I considered myself quite the hoarder. I would collect items such as old tickets or toys that reminded me of old friends or fond memories.

It was my way of keeping in touch with the things I’d felt I’d lost.

But one day I realised that the truly precious things never really leave you, lessons that you properly learn remain in your heart for an eternity, and your experiences shape you into the person you are.

If the truly precious things are always with you, then I thought you don’t need to feel upset over a lost momento.

I realised that the truly strong can throw those things away and still keep moving forward no matter what.

That’s why the present me, doesn’t remain caught up in the matters of the past but can easily (well after a bit of time leave matters in the past).

I am someone training in the ‘Art of Moving on’ .

This art is more useful and necessary in life than you’d think. It gives you the ability to forgive, to persevere and to value yourself.

The reason why I was never the kid who furiously cried over bad grades and setbacks. The reason I will never be that suicide jumper in front of a train or that individual being walked over and taken advantage of is because of this art of moving on.

At first it was simply letting go of unnecessary items but then it became letting go of regrets, letting go of restraints and beginning to value myself.

The Art of Moving on allows you to be someone that is never held back from the painful things in life, but can grow and move forward from it. Untethered, always able to try your best and be free.

Although I can’t claim to be a person that isn’t unaffected by sad events. I do have regrets and fears but I don’t let them hold me back from being happy. I use them to evolve myself into a better me each day.

I hope you’ve somewhat understood what I’ve meant by this post.

During the year of 2017 I faced some challenges with personal relationships and school work but I’ve been able to persevere through them by moving past them. And in this year of 2018 I aim to continue using this art of ‘moving on’ and getting past issues and become a stronger person.

Thank you for reading ‘The Art of Moving On’.

Standard
Blog updates

My blackhole of feelings.

Do I actually have friends, I used to wonder this.

The same people that say they are my friends will exclude me from things, hang out amongst themselves and then when confronted they’d make excuses. When I thought I’d left one set of friends that made me feel this way I ran into another set of people that did the same. Leaving me trapped in my anxiety.

I can’t help but wonder, am I only an accessory to them, just someone they can have around to hype up their evening. When I’ve made them feel good and happy they forget about me. They use me for their own convenience.

It’s especially hard when one of them only uses you to moan about their feelings, never ever considering that you too may have feelings. Never considering that their words may make you upset and tired from their self-centred and contrived actions.

Am I really a human being then? Perhaps I am not. Perhaps I am just another fleeting thought. Perhaps I mean nothing to anyone.

I try to stay positive. I tell myself I’m fine, I have a family that loves me, isn’t that enough? I try hard in my studies, I always do my absolute best no matter what, isn’t that enough?

Yet why do I feel like there is a black hole where my heart should be. I want to cry but no tears come from my eyes just waves upon waves of panic.

I want to be loved by everyone, does that make me attention seeking? I want to be friends with everyone, I try so hard to be the positive and happy person but that only makes me come off as weird and awkward and embarrassing, right?

I have no one to talk to. Or more like I’m too afraid to directly talk to anyone. I’m worried they’ll think I’m seeking attention, I’m worried they’ll continue to ignore me.

I have spoken before. I have told people my feelings.

Yet I just get hit with “Babes I wasn’t doing that.” or “If you’d just told me I was making you feel like that I would have done something different.” or “Don’t worry about that I’m here for you.”

You don’t understand. Those words don’t reassure me. Instead they make me feel expectant. They make me believe in you more, value you more. So that when you fail me I feel 10x more disappointed, isolated and neglected.

I will probably never tell you how you’ve made me feel or what you did. To you its likely something small. Like not talking to me for a day or a week because you assumed I was ‘busy’, hanging out and making plans without me, not messaging me.

To you my feelings are secondary.

I’ll probably bottle it inside and the next time you see me I’ll smile. I’ll never let it on that I’m hurting that you’ve made me feel like utter shit. Because I am the type of person that bottles emotions inside. After I mention it once I seldom mention it twice.

I feel trapped in my mind in a shell of constant worries and most nights I can’t sleep because of it. The insomnia makes me tired, my anemia increases that tiredness and the anxiety puts me further on edge, yet I’ll still smile at you and act like everything’s okay. When it isn’t.

The only person that made me stable that removed these concerns was my sister, but now that we’re separated I feel myself going off the deep end. I don’t want to bother her with my problems, I miss her deeply.

I’m hurting. I want a hug… I want a lot more than that… I want some type of help…. That’s what I’m asking for in actuality. This is just one big cry for help that isn’t directed at one single person, but actually all my friends.

These are my feelings.

Sad thing is, I know none of you actually care that deeply, or check up on me, it’s unlikely any of you will ever read this other than random strangers or my close family…do I have any real friends?

Standard