Blog updates

There are always comrades in life.

Whenever you believe no one cares, you’re wrong.

Its funny to believe that in a world filled with millions to billions of people, you’re alone. That none of them care about you.

That line of thought in general is irrational. It’s statistically impossible, because your single life in one way or another has affected the lives thousands of people.

Yet this irrational line of thought is one that I kept returning to in my anxiety.

I understand and I constantly remind myself that there are many people that care about my existence.

There are many people that care about your existence but you’re just not aware.

When you’re in your darkest place, in your black hole of emotions there will always be someone there, there will always be someone that will notice. Someone that will ask after you. Reach their hand out to you. Someone to be your real friend, your place of sanctuary, your family.

It is mine, and also your job to notice the people that care. The longer you stay in your isolated little bubble of depression, thinking that no one cares about you is the longer you ignore the people that actually do care and are there for you.

Recently I started my first year of University and I’m facing the challenges of undergraduate life. Being seperated from my friends and family led me to periods of weird anxiety because I was feeling inexplicably lonely and pitying myself because I felt that I had no friends and that even If I did they didn’t care. Those kinds of negative thoughts were making me tired and sad.

I don’t like being sad or tired, I like being the positive person that makes others laugh. That refreshing breeze on a summer morning or the comforting moonlight on the darkest night. That is the type of person I want to be. Someone reliable.

During this recent Month of University I have made many friends, I have met amazing people and they noticed when I was feeling down. They noticed when I was feeling ill. I have smiled brightly and have remained positive.

They cared.

My lifetime bestfriend messages me, my family calls me. I am not alone.

I know I am loved.

There will always be people around me and around you, that will care. Knowing that they’re there makes me so much stronger.

It may seem dumb to write down ‘you’re not alone’, ‘someone cares’, as it seems so obvious. Yet actually it’s a fact so easily forgotten.

Remember you’re loved.

Have a great day xxxx

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Blog updates

My blackhole of feelings.

Do I actually have friends, I used to wonder this.

The same people that say they are my friends will exclude me from things, hang out amongst themselves and then when confronted they’d make excuses. When I thought I’d left one set of friends that made me feel this way I ran into another set of people that did the same. Leaving me trapped in my anxiety.

I can’t help but wonder, am I only an accessory to them, just someone they can have around to hype up their evening. When I’ve made them feel good and happy they forget about me. They use me for their own convenience.

It’s especially hard when one of them only uses you to moan about their feelings, never ever considering that you too may have feelings. Never considering that their words may make you upset and tired from their self-centred and contrived actions.

Am I really a human being then? Perhaps I am not. Perhaps I am just another fleeting thought. Perhaps I mean nothing to anyone.

I try to stay positive. I tell myself I’m fine, I have a family that loves me, isn’t that enough? I try hard in my studies, I always do my absolute best no matter what, isn’t that enough?

Yet why do I feel like there is a black hole where my heart should be. I want to cry but no tears come from my eyes just waves upon waves of panic.

I want to be loved by everyone, does that make me attention seeking? I want to be friends with everyone, I try so hard to be the positive and happy person but that only makes me come off as weird and awkward and embarrassing, right?

I have no one to talk to. Or more like I’m too afraid to directly talk to anyone. I’m worried they’ll think I’m seeking attention, I’m worried they’ll continue to ignore me.

I have spoken before. I have told people my feelings.

Yet I just get hit with โ€œBabes I wasn’t doing that.โ€ or โ€œIf you’d just told me I was making you feel like that I would have done something different.โ€ or โ€œDon’t worry about that I’m here for you.โ€

You don’t understand. Those words don’t reassure me. Instead they make me feel expectant. They make me believe in you more, value you more. So that when you fail me I feel 10x more disappointed, isolated and neglected.

I will probably never tell you how you’ve made me feel or what you did. To you its likely something small. Like not talking to me for a day or a week because you assumed I was ‘busy’, hanging out and making plans without me, not messaging me.

To you my feelings are secondary.

I’ll probably bottle it inside and the next time you see me I’ll smile. I’ll never let it on that I’m hurting that you’ve made me feel like utter shit. Because I am the type of person that bottles emotions inside. After I mention it once I seldom mention it twice.

I feel trapped in my mind in a shell of constant worries and most nights I can’t sleep because of it. The insomnia makes me tired, my anemia increases that tiredness and the anxiety puts me further on edge, yet I’ll still smile at you and act like everything’s okay. When it isn’t.

The only person that made me stable that removed these concerns was my sister, but now that we’re separated I feel myself going off the deep end. I don’t want to bother her with my problems, I miss her deeply.

I’m hurting. I want a hugโ€ฆ I want a lot more than thatโ€ฆ I want some type of helpโ€ฆ. That’s what I’m asking for in actuality. This is just one big cry for help that isn’t directed at one single person, but actually all my friends.

These are my feelings.

Sad thing is, I know none of you actually care that deeply, or check up on me, it’s unlikely any of you will ever read this other than random strangers or my close familyโ€ฆdo I have any real friends?

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Flash Fiction, The adventures of Max

Fated to be

Max reached his hand out to grab a Haribo packet from the top shelf, yet as his hand touched the sweet packet so did a hand belonging to someone else. Max pulled with all his might, ‘This is the last packet.” he thought, ‘There is no way I’m giving this up, I need to fuel my sweet addiction for today.’

Max turned to face the owner of the hand which was attempting to steal his sweets. Just as he was about to angrily yell ‘try another store’ he was stunned into silence.

“Max, is that you!?” exclaimed the owner of the hand, “Oh my God!! It’s me Tyler! Don’t you remember me!”

Max gasped, how could he forget. It was Tyler his best friend, or more like former best friend. They had gone to the same school since they were young, they had been neighbours, their parents had been friends, they even shared the same birthday. However, Tyler moved away with his family abroad, and Max had been left all alone.

They had exchanged letters but eventually they both got tired of sending them. Now Max was a University Student living in his student accommodation. He had long since believed that they would never meet again, in fact he assumed Tyler had forgotten about him entirely. Yet here they met in an old, run down corner store, like fate was pulling them together.

“Tyler I can’t believe this.”

“What are the chances that we would meet like this Max!”

“Well I always said we were fated to be—”

“Fated to be best friends!!”

 

This is a short 260 word flash-fiction piece I was going to enter into a competition but I ended up submitting a different one instead. This story is also my own secret aspiration, there are a few friends that I have completely lost touch with that I would love to meet again. So I really emphasise with Max. I hope you enjoyed reading this.

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