Blog updates, Podcast

Episode 2 of my podcast!!!

I have a podcast series on my university student radio (Xpress Radio) called ‘Seasonal stories’ where we tell stories that fit the season. Episode 2, Christmas, is where we tell two winter tales. It is now up in Mixcloud and available on this post, you can find Episode 1 with the Halloween/October stories on my blog on the section ‘Radio’.

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Blog updates

He loves me, he loves me not…

One day I decided that I don’t want to be the type of person that holds back. I don’t want to keep my feelings contained inside. That’s why I try to be outspoken, outspoken to the point that I’m almost blunt, perhaps even rude or even brash. To me being an outspoken person is being someone who is strong, someone who is honest in their relationships, someone who is living their life true to themselves.Β Even though I don’t always accomplish this I feel satisfied and less anxious by living my life this way.

Shrek says ‘It’s better out than in’ and I personally don’t think there has ever been a truer saying. Bottling in your feelings just creates this well of self-loathing and over-analysing that will just lead to depression. I want to love myself and live happily and healthily.

Of course being outspoken comes with its problems….in this case I’m referring to the romantic kind.

When I get even the smallest amount of romantic feelings for someone and I feel that they might reciprocate these feelings, rather than agonising over it I tend to put it out in the open and state it. ‘I like you’

I have a tendency to confess. Of course I say tendency but it isn’t something that happens often, I don’t like people that easily, so I don’t tend to confess. But the problem with trying to be an outspoken person all the time is that most of the time my lips move before my brain catches up with it and before I could do anything I said those words to him.

‘I LIKE YOU’

Now if you read my previous post, the one before this, you’ll know that I don’t really have any actual romantic experience and that this confession didn’t go particularly well. I mean he hugged me and I got my hopes up, only for him to say he’s seeing someone right now, but they’re not his girlfriend and he still wants to hang out.

This left me more than a but confused.

Especially because I think we look nice together, we share the same hobbies, we get on great and he’s always giving me cuddles and he never gave me any inclination that he was seeing someone.

When I told my friends about this they gave me mixed responses.

M: ‘If he says he’s seeing someone but she isn’t his girlfriend then that means he’s just being respectful right and he’s not serious about this girl. The option is still open for you he just needs to deal with the person he’s currently seeing’

B: ‘You guys are so cute together, just wait it out and keep being friends. There’s no rush.”

J: ‘He’s a player, he’s two timing you and doing those mind-games. He’s eastern European as well, they just love doing those mind games on girls and they can’t express themselves properly. Trust me girl, I told you about my past experience. Jump off the sinking ship while you can.’

Honestly I don’t know who to listen to. M made me hopeful, B calmed me down and made me wait, and J just made me worried. But the thing is I’m more inclined to believe J because I don’t know who this chick that he’s supposedly seeing is or whether she even exists. Plus if you’re seeing a girl why would you be hugging and hanging out with another girl unless you’re playing with them. Also when we started messaging he approached me first when talking, yet lately it feels like I’m the one that has to initiate and continue conversation and I’m a bit fed up.

That sad thing is I really like him.

So what do you think guys, should I jump off the sinking ship? Does he like me or is he messing with me?

Thanks for reading, please comment I’m in need of some serious advice.

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Blog updates, Flash Fiction

My Rotting heart.

It was as he held me in his arms as if I were his dearest love, and showed me companionship I never felt before that I was convinced that he was mine…

I am still naive and I still have an innocent heart of sorts and lack experience in those more mature type of relationships. Perhaps that’s why with only a few sweet words, only a few compliments thrown my way, and your dazzling smile my heart already melted for you.

Normally I try to hide myself away in the depths of my emotions. I don’t like getting attached, those 2D character from games, anime, and cartoons serve as the best type of love I should have. I convince myself that that is for the best because I generally have nothing else that I want more.

Usually I would have the occasional fancy, ‘oh he’s hot’ or ‘I would like that’ but passing fancy is all it is. I’m too much of an awkward human to ever really go further in a romance.

Honestly the most I’ve done is gone on two dates with another human being, held hands with them, had a small first peck for a first kiss. Then be told actually we were better off as friends. I guess I freaked him out, I guess I was forcing my hobbies and my tendencies on someone who didn’t share the same traits as myself. I felt that was unfair, they asked me out yet I was the one that had to deal with the ending and had no power over any of it.

Because of that I lost my confidence.

I don’t have the courage to like another person. ‘They don’t honestly think I’m pretty. They don’t honestly like me. They’ll realise how weird I am and that will be the end of that.’ Is what I always think.

But then You somehow shuffled into my life with your profound knowledge of the things that I love best. Telling me I’m pretty, giving me hugs every time we meet, telling me that I’m weird, but that’s okay. liking the characters I like, enjoying my jokes. Telling me that ‘any man that didn’t date you or dumped you is obviously missing out’.

For someone as naive as me I fall for things like that very quickly. I wanted to be content with being your friend but I ended up wanting that tiny bit more. That tiny bit more which I had already told myself I’d given up on. That tiny bit more which I watched daily in the lives of my favourite characters or jealously at the ones in real life.

After talking to my therapy guru I mustered the courage to confess to you. You gave me a hug and my heart fluttered. I was so light. So hopeful.

But then you said ‘sorry I can’t, not now. I’m seeing someone…but I don’t want us to change. I want to continue hanging out with you.’ You told me not to be upset. You said they’re not your girlfriend just someone you’re seeing at the moment and you want to be fair to them .

But unbeknown to you I’ve already hidden myself in my heart again. Sure we’ll still hang out. But now every time I see you I’ll feel this tinge of melancholy. I’ve already returned to my world of 2D characters and reading my manga.

I hate real people.

I wonder if romantic love is real.

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Blog updates

Happy Halloween!!!!

Tis the season to be scary, to be jolly to have some creepy fun.

I love Halloween!πŸŽƒ πŸŽƒ

Some people say to me that they find Halloween too scary. Someone actually told me once that they believed only Satanists could enjoy Halloween, which in my opinion is absolute stupidity. Then again she was a five year old girl and her father was the pastor of a church so her delusions can be forgiven, but still It’s not like we run around like deranged maniacs singing paganist songs.

I am, hopefully like the rest of you reading this blog, a normal person that celebrates Halloween for its enjoyable conventions, not summoning the undead.

For example I have the best time collecting sweets of all kinds despite the fact that I’m probably too old to be doing so.

Like most of us during the spooky season I enjoy drsssing up as any fantasy character I so desire and being entirely accepted for it. Unlike the weird looks you get on a train when travelling to a comic con convention, everyone is perfectly comfortable with your extra, and perhaps insane appearance. Because the season allows society to accept your craziness, even if it is for only one week or a day.

On Halloween you can go to mad parties with your friends. One of my friends went as a samurai when we went to a club recently and was waving his sword all over the place, drunk out of his mind, and not a soul batted their eyes.

Generally Halloween I believe is an innocent season where you have the ability to express yourself, eat as much sweets as you want and have all kinds of fun with your friends.

So all my dear readers have a fab Halloween!!!!

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