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He loves me, he loves me not…

One day I decided that I don’t want to be the type of person that holds back. I don’t want to keep my feelings contained inside. That’s why I try to be outspoken, outspoken to the point that I’m almost blunt, perhaps even rude or even brash. To me being an outspoken person is being someone who is strong, someone who is honest in their relationships, someone who is living their life true to themselves. Even though I don’t always accomplish this I feel satisfied and less anxious by living my life this way.

Shrek says ‘It’s better out than in’ and I personally don’t think there has ever been a truer saying. Bottling in your feelings just creates this well of self-loathing and over-analysing that will just lead to depression. I want to love myself and live happily and healthily.

Of course being outspoken comes with its problems….in this case I’m referring to the romantic kind.

When I get even the smallest amount of romantic feelings for someone and I feel that they might reciprocate these feelings, rather than agonising over it I tend to put it out in the open and state it. ‘I like you’

I have a tendency to confess. Of course I say tendency but it isn’t something that happens often, I don’t like people that easily, so I don’t tend to confess. But the problem with trying to be an outspoken person all the time is that most of the time my lips move before my brain catches up with it and before I could do anything I said those words to him.

‘I LIKE YOU’

Now if you read my previous post, the one before this, you’ll know that I don’t really have any actual romantic experience and that this confession didn’t go particularly well. I mean he hugged me and I got my hopes up, only for him to say he’s seeing someone right now, but they’re not his girlfriend and he still wants to hang out.

This left me more than a but confused.

Especially because I think we look nice together, we share the same hobbies, we get on great and he’s always giving me cuddles and he never gave me any inclination that he was seeing someone.

When I told my friends about this they gave me mixed responses.

M: ‘If he says he’s seeing someone but she isn’t his girlfriend then that means he’s just being respectful right and he’s not serious about this girl. The option is still open for you he just needs to deal with the person he’s currently seeing’

B: ‘You guys are so cute together, just wait it out and keep being friends. There’s no rush.”

J: ‘He’s a player, he’s two timing you and doing those mind-games. He’s eastern European as well, they just love doing those mind games on girls and they can’t express themselves properly. Trust me girl, I told you about my past experience. Jump off the sinking ship while you can.’

Honestly I don’t know who to listen to. M made me hopeful, B calmed me down and made me wait, and J just made me worried. But the thing is I’m more inclined to believe J because I don’t know who this chick that he’s supposedly seeing is or whether she even exists. Plus if you’re seeing a girl why would you be hugging and hanging out with another girl unless you’re playing with them. Also when we started messaging he approached me first when talking, yet lately it feels like I’m the one that has to initiate and continue conversation and I’m a bit fed up.

That sad thing is I really like him.

So what do you think guys, should I jump off the sinking ship? Does he like me or is he messing with me?

Thanks for reading, please comment I’m in need of some serious advice.

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Blog updates, Flash Fiction

My Rotting heart.

It was as he held me in his arms as if I were his dearest love, and showed me companionship I never felt before that I was convinced that he was mine…

I am still naive and I still have an innocent heart of sorts and lack experience in those more mature type of relationships. Perhaps that’s why with only a few sweet words, only a few compliments thrown my way, and your dazzling smile my heart already melted for you.

Normally I try to hide myself away in the depths of my emotions. I don’t like getting attached, those 2D character from games, anime, and cartoons serve as the best type of love I should have. I convince myself that that is for the best because I generally have nothing else that I want more.

Usually I would have the occasional fancy, ‘oh he’s hot’ or ‘I would like that’ but passing fancy is all it is. I’m too much of an awkward human to ever really go further in a romance.

Honestly the most I’ve done is gone on two dates with another human being, held hands with them, had a small first peck for a first kiss. Then be told actually we were better off as friends. I guess I freaked him out, I guess I was forcing my hobbies and my tendencies on someone who didn’t share the same traits as myself. I felt that was unfair, they asked me out yet I was the one that had to deal with the ending and had no power over any of it.

Because of that I lost my confidence.

I don’t have the courage to like another person. ‘They don’t honestly think I’m pretty. They don’t honestly like me. They’ll realise how weird I am and that will be the end of that.’ Is what I always think.

But then You somehow shuffled into my life with your profound knowledge of the things that I love best. Telling me I’m pretty, giving me hugs every time we meet, telling me that I’m weird, but that’s okay. liking the characters I like, enjoying my jokes. Telling me that ‘any man that didn’t date you or dumped you is obviously missing out’.

For someone as naive as me I fall for things like that very quickly. I wanted to be content with being your friend but I ended up wanting that tiny bit more. That tiny bit more which I had already told myself I’d given up on. That tiny bit more which I watched daily in the lives of my favourite characters or jealously at the ones in real life.

After talking to my therapy guru I mustered the courage to confess to you. You gave me a hug and my heart fluttered. I was so light. So hopeful.

But then you said ‘sorry I can’t, not now. I’m seeing someone…but I don’t want us to change. I want to continue hanging out with you.’ You told me not to be upset. You said they’re not your girlfriend just someone you’re seeing at the moment and you want to be fair to them .

But unbeknown to you I’ve already hidden myself in my heart again. Sure we’ll still hang out. But now every time I see you I’ll feel this tinge of melancholy. I’ve already returned to my world of 2D characters and reading my manga.

I hate real people.

I wonder if romantic love is real.

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Flash Fiction, The adventures of Max

Trouble and Ghost.

“Why were you out so late.” She demanded, her arms crossed in an obviously angry posture. There were dark circles under her obsidian-like eyes and tears had smudged her mascara into oblivion. Her lips trembled as she stared at her son.

“I was so worried when you didn’t come home last night. I went out looking for you but all I found was little Meme running around the park by herself, her leash on the floor. I started assuming the absolute worst. I even called up the police, but those useless fools said they couldn’t do anything unless you had been missing for more than ten hours. How dumb is that! If you’d been missing for that long you could have been killed by someone. I screamed the police station down until they restrained me and an officer had to bring me home. I stayed up the entire night waiting for you and then you come waltsing into the house at 8am like nothing happened. You better explain yourself young man!!”

Max was in a daze, he nervously glanced at her, he felt his heart ache. His Mother only had him and he only had his Mother. In the entire world they could only rely on each other. He could understand why his Mother was so worried, she’d lost his Dad in a similiar way. One day when Max was only three his Father went out to buy some milk, but he never came back. He didn’t take anything with him so the police decided that it might be a kidnapping rather than running away but there was no evidence and no leads. His Mother had felt so nervous that they constantly moved from town to town until they finally settled in this small village area that was 3 hours away from the biggest city.

Max wanted to tell his Mother everything but he found that his tongue was stuck in his throat, the words he wanted to tell her just couldn’t come out. It was for obvious reasons though. Firstly there was no way at all that his Mother world believe him. I mean if Max told his Mother that he met a ghost, named Ghost in the park and that Ghost took him to a party where he had a drinking competition with elves and fairies he was a hundred percent certain that she would scream at him for lying, or worse she might think there’s something wrong with his head. Max didn’t want to be seen as crazy and he knew no one would believe what he had to say.

So instead he hung his head low and said, “I’m sorry Mother. I met a friend in the Park and he said there was a cool party going on. He convinced me to take a look and I did, but I had too much to drink and then before I knew it it was morning.” At least this wasn’t a complete lie.

Mrs Malis’s face turned a slight purple with anger. “You mean to tell me you went to some random party and got drunk. You’re not even 18 Max!” She shrieked, “I made a fool of myslef, probably the entire village knows I was running around looking for you last night whilst you were at a damn party. And I sent you hundreds of texts and you couldn’t reply to even one of them, eh?!!”

Max shuffled his feet. “I left my phone on my bed last night.” he mumbled.

“I bloody know that because I found it on your bed last night!!!”

“…” Max could only silently stare at the floor.

“You are grounded. You will only leave the house for school. You will have no phone, no computer, no internet acess no anything for a month. Only study and reflect on your actions!”

Max couldn’t even protest as he watched his Mother go upstairs, take all his electrical appliances, from his phone, laptop, Xbox, TV and then put them all into the cellar, locking the door. She placed the key in her breast pocket.

“I’m going to the police station to tell them it was a false alarm.” She Announced as she slipped on her shoes and angrily slammed the door behind her. Leaving Max sighing. This was so unfair, he thought. Everything had spiralled so rapidly out of control, how was he supposed to know any of that was going to happen.

“Geez that sucks.”

Max jumped out of his skin and saw Ghost leaning against his corridor wall, wearing his trademark orange jumpsuit.

“How long have you been there?” Max snapped at him grumpily.

“Long enough.” said Ghost. “If its any consolation I’ll keep you company.”

“Oh joy.”

“Honestly, I mean it.” Ghost was suddenly right in front of Max. “Let’s be friends. Max I want to show you a whole new world. ”

Max frowned in response. “Oh Joy.”

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Flash Fiction, The adventures of Max

Max goes to the Park. pt 2. Meeting Mr. Ghost.

Max sat on a swing as he watched Meme run up and down the abandoned park. He swayed, slowly, back and forth. Each move he made created a loud creaking noise that would give the most brave warriors the shivers. Kree-eee-eeek.

If it wasn’t for the fact that Max could see Meme running up and down the park he would have ran all the way back home. There was something really creepy about being at a Park in the middle of the night. It was definitely not something Max did often.

He had taken Meme for a walk this late because he’d forgotten to that afternoon, additionally he just wanted to go out and have some space, it was just Max and his Mother at home and sometimes it felt so suffocating he just had to leave. It’s a teenage thing.

Max sighed whilst shivering, why did he walk out tonight with no jacket. It was then that he felt a tap on his shoulder. “You alright kid, you look cold?”

Max jumped and fell off the swing crashing back-first on the wet grass below.

“Whoa didn’t mean to scare you, you alright?” The man speaking was very tall, so tall in fact that as Max dusted himself off and stood up he still had to strain his neck to look him in the eye, and Max was 6ft.

He looked like he was in his early twenties, he had his hair died purple and was wearing one of those orange jumpsuits that you only ever see people in videos during the 90’s wearing or criminals. He had all kinds of piercings on his ears, from scaffolding to his helix and all of his lobe was pierced. It was an impressive amount of metal hanging off of his ears that was for sure.

Max gulped, he’d never met this man before. Although his town wasn’t small it couldn’t be considered big either. It was because of this that Max’s town had a very low crime rate, since nothing ever exciting happened here nobody batted an eye if Max went out late since it was safe, however now it didn’t seem so safe.

“Hey kid, I asked if you were alright?”

“Oh..” Max gulped. “Yes… yes yes I am.”

“Geez what are you stuttering for, I’m not scary, I’m not gonna bite your head off.” the man said with an exasperated expression on his face.

“I’m sorry…I didn’t mean to. I’ve just never met you before.”

“Whoa kid, this may be news for you but there are plenty of people you’ve never met before out there in the big wide world. You need to go out more. You must be an introvert or something.”

Max didn’t know how to respond. He was a serious introvert but hearing this stranger tell him that made him feel a bit mad.

Max didn’t have time to compose himself before the young man’s big but slender hand was extended out to him. “The name is Ghost, Mr.Ghost. Pleasure to meet you.”

Max paused surprised… “umm I’m Max”

I’ve always thought it would be cool to meet a ghost in the park. I’ve always wondered what a ghost would be like and rather than something freaky and invisible I thought what if they’re pretty normal? They’re just living out their own lives and what not. Perhaps people have no idea they’re ghosts and it’s just a casual nice person you meet once or twice and have a pleasant conversation with. Maybe it’s that small kid you saw walking across the street one time or something. I don’t know but that’s the thought process that made me think of Mr Ghost.

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Flash Fiction

Missing you.

I stare at the lake of ice. I feel my heart tighten. Memories of the past flooding back to me. When you would stare into my eyes, when we would hold hands, and we would glide together. Heaven itself would play a blissful tune as we danced. Our warm breathe would journey out into the freezing air intertwining together as we embraced. I remember our eyes being so close that with just the simplest of movements our lips would have been touching. Your soft lips, your doe eyes, your love. I miss all of it. I miss every part of it.

Now I am old.

I stare at this lake of ice with my thin cigarette, the only breathe intertwining with mine now, is its smoke. I inhale and exhale, inhale and exhale. Hopefully my lungs blacken some more. Perhaps if I continue smoking hundreds of these I’ll get to see you. Then in Heaven we could be dancing on ice together. I could smoke thousands of these cigarettes a day if it means seeing you again.

Now I hear laughter.

I stare at a young couple, holding each other as they step on the ice, their laughter and smiles make the bitter dawn feel warm. They’re so passionate that I feel like I’m in summer. The man kisses the woman, their woollen hats knocking against each other. She loses her balance and they both tumble on the ice. They roll on the surface hugging each other. I can’t help but see you as her, and myself as him. Unable to bear more, I turn and pull Yappy’s leash and make a solitary walk back home.

My heart aches.

 

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Flash Fiction

Born to be yours

Amy and Amanda are twins.

Since the moment the stalks delivered them they have been inseparable. Or you could say they were unable to escape from one another.

From the womb to their bedrooms and even in school they were forced to occupy the same space. Forced to recognise the others existence. Even being collectively titled the ‘twins’.

This lack of individualism slowly drove Amy and Amanda to insanity. They fought with one another said hurtful things to one another. Cried with one another.

Funnily enough these times of fighting and adolescent frustration led to them being closer. Their bonds grew stronger. Yet at the same time they learnt to value each other as well as to love themselves.

At the age of 60 Amy visits Amanda at the hospital, her wrinkly hands holding onto her sisters.

“You know when I look at you I see myself” said Amanda.

“You know when I look at you I see my best friend” said Amy.

“You know when I look at you I feel nostalgic… And oh so very happy.” Amanda spoke softly.

“Haha…we’ve grown so old, haven’t we!” Amy exclaimed.

“Looking after each other, loving and laughing. My comrade. My fellow warrior. I’m glad I spent my time on this battlefield with you.” Amanda preached.

“You old fool you act like we’ve fought a war. All we’ve done is lived.”

“You’re the fool. Living is one of the greatest battles!” Amanda reprimanded. Then she coughed, her chest heaving and she clasped onto Amy’s hands squeezing them.

“My dearest Sister, I am glad that I have fought this war with you. I am sure that in the next life we will fight another war together. Because I was born…born to be yours.” Amanda sighed the last word. Her struggle over, her life gone. Her soul on another journey to face another adventure somewhere in the stars.

Amy weeps. Her hands still grasping her sisters. “I am certain that we’ll meet amongst another battlefield…as I was also born to be yours.”

 

This is a 300 word flash fiction piece that reflects my own relationship with my sister. I love her to pieces and I believe I was born to be hers. Although we may grow old and eventually separate I hope that even in the next life I am united with her to fight yet another battle.

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