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He loves me, he loves me not…

One day I decided that I don’t want to be the type of person that holds back. I don’t want to keep my feelings contained inside. That’s why I try to be outspoken, outspoken to the point that I’m almost blunt, perhaps even rude or even brash. To me being an outspoken person is being someone who is strong, someone who is honest in their relationships, someone who is living their life true to themselves. Even though I don’t always accomplish this I feel satisfied and less anxious by living my life this way.

Shrek says ‘It’s better out than in’ and I personally don’t think there has ever been a truer saying. Bottling in your feelings just creates this well of self-loathing and over-analysing that will just lead to depression. I want to love myself and live happily and healthily.

Of course being outspoken comes with its problems….in this case I’m referring to the romantic kind.

When I get even the smallest amount of romantic feelings for someone and I feel that they might reciprocate these feelings, rather than agonising over it I tend to put it out in the open and state it. ‘I like you’

I have a tendency to confess. Of course I say tendency but it isn’t something that happens often, I don’t like people that easily, so I don’t tend to confess. But the problem with trying to be an outspoken person all the time is that most of the time my lips move before my brain catches up with it and before I could do anything I said those words to him.

‘I LIKE YOU’

Now if you read my previous post, the one before this, you’ll know that I don’t really have any actual romantic experience and that this confession didn’t go particularly well. I mean he hugged me and I got my hopes up, only for him to say he’s seeing someone right now, but they’re not his girlfriend and he still wants to hang out.

This left me more than a but confused.

Especially because I think we look nice together, we share the same hobbies, we get on great and he’s always giving me cuddles and he never gave me any inclination that he was seeing someone.

When I told my friends about this they gave me mixed responses.

M: ‘If he says he’s seeing someone but she isn’t his girlfriend then that means he’s just being respectful right and he’s not serious about this girl. The option is still open for you he just needs to deal with the person he’s currently seeing’

B: ‘You guys are so cute together, just wait it out and keep being friends. There’s no rush.”

J: ‘He’s a player, he’s two timing you and doing those mind-games. He’s eastern European as well, they just love doing those mind games on girls and they can’t express themselves properly. Trust me girl, I told you about my past experience. Jump off the sinking ship while you can.’

Honestly I don’t know who to listen to. M made me hopeful, B calmed me down and made me wait, and J just made me worried. But the thing is I’m more inclined to believe J because I don’t know who this chick that he’s supposedly seeing is or whether she even exists. Plus if you’re seeing a girl why would you be hugging and hanging out with another girl unless you’re playing with them. Also when we started messaging he approached me first when talking, yet lately it feels like I’m the one that has to initiate and continue conversation and I’m a bit fed up.

That sad thing is I really like him.

So what do you think guys, should I jump off the sinking ship? Does he like me or is he messing with me?

Thanks for reading, please comment I’m in need of some serious advice.

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Blog updates, Flash Fiction

My Rotting heart.

It was as he held me in his arms as if I were his dearest love, and showed me companionship I never felt before that I was convinced that he was mine…

I am still naive and I still have an innocent heart of sorts and lack experience in those more mature type of relationships. Perhaps that’s why with only a few sweet words, only a few compliments thrown my way, and your dazzling smile my heart already melted for you.

Normally I try to hide myself away in the depths of my emotions. I don’t like getting attached, those 2D character from games, anime, and cartoons serve as the best type of love I should have. I convince myself that that is for the best because I generally have nothing else that I want more.

Usually I would have the occasional fancy, ‘oh he’s hot’ or ‘I would like that’ but passing fancy is all it is. I’m too much of an awkward human to ever really go further in a romance.

Honestly the most I’ve done is gone on two dates with another human being, held hands with them, had a small first peck for a first kiss. Then be told actually we were better off as friends. I guess I freaked him out, I guess I was forcing my hobbies and my tendencies on someone who didn’t share the same traits as myself. I felt that was unfair, they asked me out yet I was the one that had to deal with the ending and had no power over any of it.

Because of that I lost my confidence.

I don’t have the courage to like another person. ‘They don’t honestly think I’m pretty. They don’t honestly like me. They’ll realise how weird I am and that will be the end of that.’ Is what I always think.

But then You somehow shuffled into my life with your profound knowledge of the things that I love best. Telling me I’m pretty, giving me hugs every time we meet, telling me that I’m weird, but that’s okay. liking the characters I like, enjoying my jokes. Telling me that ‘any man that didn’t date you or dumped you is obviously missing out’.

For someone as naive as me I fall for things like that very quickly. I wanted to be content with being your friend but I ended up wanting that tiny bit more. That tiny bit more which I had already told myself I’d given up on. That tiny bit more which I watched daily in the lives of my favourite characters or jealously at the ones in real life.

After talking to my therapy guru I mustered the courage to confess to you. You gave me a hug and my heart fluttered. I was so light. So hopeful.

But then you said ‘sorry I can’t, not now. I’m seeing someone…but I don’t want us to change. I want to continue hanging out with you.’ You told me not to be upset. You said they’re not your girlfriend just someone you’re seeing at the moment and you want to be fair to them .

But unbeknown to you I’ve already hidden myself in my heart again. Sure we’ll still hang out. But now every time I see you I’ll feel this tinge of melancholy. I’ve already returned to my world of 2D characters and reading my manga.

I hate real people.

I wonder if romantic love is real.

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Short story

Abarta

I woke up last week on a Sunday, quite early, with a dream stuck in my head. It kept buzzing in my skull so loud, chanting ‘write me’, ‘write me!’. So I decided, ‘why not’. So this is the weird dream I had.

I named it ‘Abarta’ because the hero of the story reminded me of the mischievous God from old Irish tales.

I hope you enjoy reading it.

Ann’s fingers tapped impatiently on her desk.

As the clock slowly ticked every second for Ann seemed to expand into hours, then those hours seemed to expand into eternity until Ann felt that no time had passed at all. Her teacher yapped on and on.

Ann’s eyes wandered out the window, staring at the gorgeous sunny weather where the insects buzzed in heated frenzy and the sky seduced her with its gorgeous sapphire blue.

Ann found her feet tapping, our young lass couldn’t wait for the bell to ring, for her freedom to be given. With the ending of this class it would also signify the beginning of the Summer holidays. The start of relaxation, days of doing nothing but sun-bathing on the trampoline she had in her garden, eating creamy ice-cream or sucking flavoured popsicles to her hearts content. Ann couldn’t wait for Summer where she could lazily chatter with her friends, go shopping, be free to take matters at her own pace without the pressures of homework, studying or exams. Yes Summer, to Ann the very word itself gave off a refreshing scent that relaxed her. Ann wanted to grab her Summer by the coattails and jump into his welcoming embrace.

She looked away from the window towards her teacher, it seemed like his senseless speech was coming to an end. She could feel it, and not just herself, everyone in Ann’s class sensed it. Students sat up straighter, grabbing their bags, their legs positioning themselves to sprint towards the door. Their eyes inadvertently staring out the window with fervour. Ann felt the tension, it made her gulp. The sticky heat caused her long black hair to stick to her neck, her uniform wet with sweat. She began loosening her tie.

“It’s sad that this is the last day I’ll ever be teaching this class. I hope this has been a fun lesson for you all. Soon you will be moving on to bigger and better things, whether that will be employment, higher education, or an apprenticeship. No matter what you do I wish you all the best. I hope everyone has an amazing holiday and at the same time you are all safe and careful.” Babbled the teacher. “Now I’ll see most of you at the upcoming graduation but for some of you this is the last time. I wish you the best on results day. I want you all to know that it has been an honour to be your teacher…” Despite the tear-jerking and lovely speech being given all Ann heard was ‘blah blah blah’. Her eyes were focused on the clock. ‘Damn it’ she thought to herself, ‘only one more minute to the bell rings, can’t he just let us out early for crying out loud. I can already hear people running in the corridors, just let us go already!’

It was as she thought these exact words that her teacher, who was now crying, said, “Okay all of you just go.” A second after a shrill bell rang throughout the school and through Ann’s classroom. In that moment most of the students, including our protagonist, heartlessly ran out. She rushed through the corridors weaving between the chatting teens or pre-teens, straight into the overwhelming heat wave outside, and she continued running desperately until she was at the entrance of the school, near those black steel gates.

There she halted.

She stood next to the gates waiting. Stood there as rows upon rows of students walked past her or cars drove by. Ann stood there even as her friends called out to her, she refused to leave with them. Her eyes were continuously darting as she searched for someone, and then he came.

A male student walked out of the building surrounded by many other peers. There are a variety of characters all chatting and cheerful, yet among them he stood out. There’s this frivolous air about him. With a glance, you can tell he’s popular, especially with his tall height, and handsomely sculpted features. Nicholas, that is the name of the boy Ann waited for. He caused her heart to pound erratically, her eyes to light up, and her fists to clench. Step by step with his envoy of peers as he walked ever closer and closer towards her, Ann found her face becoming red. As he walked past the gate for two seconds his eyes connected with hers. For our Ann, these seconds pleasantly felt like hours, however in reality seconds are only seconds and quickly the moment passed and he was gone. Ann slumped and leaned against the gate.

“I blew my last chance… Yet again I couldn’t talk to him…I’m such an idiot. You’re such an idiot Ann…I’m such an idiot.” She said to herself over and over. Ann stood outside the gate for a longer period, even though she no longer had anyone to wait for. It was only when she saw the school caretakers with their large keys starting to lock up, did she move.

‘Right’ she thought to herself, ‘I was heading home.’ She pulled her rucksack closer to her body, and as bitter frustrated tears cascaded down her cheeks she turned out the gate onto the street beyond.

Our dear Ann walked down the mismatched pavement of which was all shades of grey, she found herself wandering aimlessly. There is a saying that home is where the heart is, perhaps that’s the reason why Ann could not find her way home while her heart was in disarray. You see Ann had a very common youthful worry. This worry is love. Since the day Ann had begun school, going back to her nursey days, there had always been one boy that she had kept her eyes on. He was Nicholas, he was beautiful, kind, intelligent and sporty and was the type of person that would always be surrounded by a crowd of people. Nicholas was someone that many people loved. In contrast Ann, although a very pretty girl; with clear soft skin, long silky black hair and large emerald eyes of whom had many secret admirers, was also a very shy and introverted individual. She wasn’t outgoing and only had a small set of close friends, her quiet nature prevented her from ever approaching Nicholas. For years she watched him from far away, admiring him, however now she could no longer do this. Summer signified the last day of Secondary school and the last day of her ever-seeing Nicholas. She had thought that today she could gain the confidence to finally approach him but instead all she could accomplish was looking at him from afar, as usual.

Drops of water began to fall on the ground, almost as if the heavens were crying in pity for Ann, the summer humidity turned into grey clouds and a damp nauseous smell permeated the air. Startled Ann quickly searched through her rucksack and pulled out her umbrella. As she opened it up and looked at her surroundings she suddenly realised she was lost. Somehow and at some point, she had ended up at a crossroads, the way behind and in front looked the same and there were no signs indicating her whereabouts.

‘Where on earth am I!!!’ she thought, slowly starting to panic.

“Do you need my help?” asked a deep and sultry voice. It was clear and loud and Ann heard it above the sound of the rain, almost as if it was whispered in her ear. She jumped in fright and looked left and right but she saw no one.

“Down here, love.”

Ann found herself glancing down. There she saw a young-looking man, he was sitting in the middle of the road getting soaked in the rain. When our dear Ann saw him, her heart couldn’t help but quicken slightly. For he was the most gorgeous person she had ever met, even more beautiful than Nicholas. His skin was so fair that he looked like snow, his hair was platinum in colour, he had long eyelashes and those eyelashes framed stunning almond eyes. His lips were plump and pink and all his features were perfectly symmetrical. Perhaps it was his hair or eyes but to Ann this man seemed almost celestial.

As their eyes met he gave her a wide smile. “Ann, do you need my help?” he asked.

Ann was so mesmerised by his appearance that it took her a few moments to realise that he said her name.

“You know me!?”

“Well of course, do you not know me Ann?”

Ann found herself at a loss, she could only shake her head in response and stare, she couldn’t remember ever meeting him and was certain that she would remember someone so stunning if she had.

He made a sad expression, his lips pursed and his brows furrowed with irritation. Then he sighed, “I guess that is only natural, most mortals never remember a trip to the otherworld on the night of Samhain.” As he said this he slowly got to his feet, as he stood all the rain magically stopped, as if he was controlling it.

He walked up to Ann and cupped her face in his hands and stroked her cheeks. “My beloved you have been crying.” He softly purred. “You shouldn’t cry.” He wrapped his arms around her and hugged her.

Ann was shocked, surprised, thoroughly taken aback. A man she had never met before was telling her nonsense and had hugged her. In this type of situation, she should have felt terrified and ran, for all she knew this man could be dangerous or had some perverse ulterior motives, however in his embrace Ann felt warm and comforted. She found tears spilling from her eyes and she held him tighter and hugged him closer.

Ann and the strange man held each other for a long time. It wasn’t until she heard a happy jingle from her pocket did she hastily withdraw from him. She rustled in her blazer and pulled out her mobile phone. It was her Mother.

“Why aren’t you home yet? Do you know it’s five ‘o’clock? I thought your school finished early today, why aren’t you home yet?”

Ann had to hold her phone away from her ear as her mother barraged her with questions, “Is it really five…sorry Mum. Mum. Mum! Calm down, I just got lost along the journey. I’ll be home soon. I stayed at school a bit longer…umm to talk to the teacher and then it was raining and I got a bit lost…Don’t worry about it. I’ll be home soon…Yes, I am hungry, so please leave dinner for me. Thanks Mum, cool I’ll see you soon.” Ann hung up the phone sighing.

“Pffft”, she heard a snigger, the strange man was laughing. “Your mother and yourself have a lovely relationship now, that is good.” He stated and continued to chuckle.

Ann blinked, she had never told a soul about her past issues with her Mother. When she was young she had told her Mum she could see fairies and had spoken to Gods. Her Mother had thought her crazy and in her younger years she was constantly put through therapy. After that she could never feel comfortable around her Mother or tell her honest feelings for a long time. Their relationship had gotten better though.

Ann felt scared because she had never told anyone about that. How did he know? She began to wonder if she actually had been close to this stranger.

He flashed her a mischievous grin and grabbed her hand. “I should re-introduce myself as we walk home together.”

“W-w-w-w-w-w-w-walk h-h-h-home t-t-t-together?” Ann stuttered, her face scarlet.

“I know the way.” He claimed and pulled her along with him as he confidently strolled in a random direction. Ann helplessly followed him, intrigued.

As Ann walked with the gorgeous stranger she noticed the sky transition into a purple hue, the clouds came lower until the ground itself was covered by a cooling mist. The streets transformed into a forest. Soon they were walking past trees heading up a steep mountain.

“My name is Abarta.” He whispered, his words were carried by the wind into her ear.

As Ann heard these words shock filled her eyes. “Abarta! You can’t be.”

“I told you I’d come back for you.”

His grip on her hand tightened.

“Forget your mortal worries, forget that boy Nicholas. Forget your mother. I am all you need”

A spell was cast each time he said forget. Ann could no longer remember Nicholas or Mother. Nothing mattered anymore. Ann felt herself becoming tired, her head heavy. Her phone dropped somewhere along the way.

As they walk deeper into the mist Abarta said, “Do not worry Ann, I will look after you. All of us have missed you so much.”

We did miss our dear Ann. As Abarta took her to the Otherworld, we watched her each step. We whispered to each other in joy. This time we will keep our Ann, we said to each other.

Forever.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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