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I’m actually Screaming!

So far University life has been going well for me. Although there is the odd mental breakdown from an upcoming deadline, lack of sleep, and constant busyness it actually hasn’t been anything I can’t handle. And even the crippling deadlines, after I’ve completed them, I find the experience actually quite enjoyable and it encourages me to do my assignments earlier. You know that whole ‘learning from your mistakes’ saying.

During this current month of November I have been able to make-up with friends I had disagreements with, I was feeling organised and generally pretty awesome, and then I tripped up. Well I didn’t literally trip up, I mean life threw a sword at me that I just couldn’t dodge and that sword is my flatmates.

Now for people that know me personally, I can be pretty passive aggressive. This is mostly applicable to those outside my family. I mean with strangers, friends, work colleagues etc… I mean when someone is annoying me I don’t shout or scream at them, if it’s something petty I just let it go (even if the anger is building up inside of me with latent frustration) I bear with it.

Usually that works for me because people that make me very mad I tend to omit them from my life and if I do see them again it’s on a rare occasion. Or if I have to work with them, fair enough I may have to see them most days, but we’re not close friends and they will know nothing about my private life. I like to keep okay/good relationships with people and maintain a positive image of myself in their minds whether I like them or not.

However….I can’t do this with my flatmates…because I live with them. For the past nearly 2 months we’ve lived together, and my tolerance is wearing thin.

It’s not like they’re all bad, I won’t name names but R and T and Z are great people and I generally enjoy their presence in the flat and the fact that they’re always there to help me and have a conversation with me. Honestly they’re very nice people, but O and B have been pissing me off until no fucking end.

First B who is ‘supposedly’ older, is always screaming about smells in the flat like “who took a shite!” and then he puts it in the group chat. Sometimes I’m not in the flat or just earlier I literally just walked into the flat, put my things in my room and then two seconds later I hear him screaming about a smell and I hear him accusing me. ME! I’m so mad I fling the door open and just yell at him because by this point it’s just ridiculous. He keeps making a fuss about bodily functions and generally I think he’s doing it himself. So how the fuck dare he. I was this close to punching him and O, that were laughing at me like it was the funniest thing, in the face. Other than that though, I don’t really have too many problems with B.

Secondly there is O. When I first met O I generally liked her but by this point I can’t be asked. Why? Well for starters she doesn’t clean, she’s real sneaky, she’ll eat stuff and leave all her dishes in the sink to pile up for a weeks like some maid is gonna do it for her. But what’s more annoying is that she’ll see me or the others cleaning and then say “Oh Lexi you don’t have to clean all that, I’ll clean it up” but then conveniently something comes up or she slinks away and never does. I yelled at her about it a few weeks ago telling her “Why don’t you just do it then, if not then stop fucking acting like you’re gonna clean it pisses me off.” Apparently that made her upset, but honestly I don’t give a shit. She’s the product of being spoiled by her parents I swear.

Then, still talking about O, she’s always bragging about the new house her parents bought or her car and usually I don’t care about those type of things. Everyone comes from different socio-economic backgrounds and I respect that, but when I heard it for the 100th time I nearly lost it. Like I get it you have nice things, but some people don’t and it honestly comes off as bragging so please stop.

Edit: Thinking back on those two paragraphs. My flatmates are all quite nice people and I may be over-reacting but I was in a dark place when I wrote this, hence the title ‘I’m actually screaming’.

And of course for those of you that have been following this blog for a while and know about some of my issues with paranoia and anxiety, before I deleted those early posts, then you can understand that they make me pretty anxious. Like I keep thinking they’re talking about me behind my back and that makes me upset, plus I hear them having a party or knocking on everyone else’s door saying ‘let’s hang out’ but they never knock on mine. Granted I’m not in most of the time because of my part time job, societies, lectures and other things, because I like to keep myself busy and I need the money, but the fact that I sometimes get excluded (intentional or not) honestly hurts my feelings.

Because of these feelings I’ve began distancing myself from the group which makes it awkward because I do live with them and there are the occasional run-ins. Also it’s not that I avoid them purposefully all the time but they always love going out, to the club and stuff and they think spending money like it’s nothing all the time is acceptable and they don’t care if they’re broke. But I for one like budgeting and staying to my budget and I hate when hanging with them makes me overspend.

Overall my flat mates are stressing me out a bit, up till the point that I feel pretty exhausted and mad right now.

Hopefully it will get better.

P.S I’ve started painting my own art a little, ‘the screaming me’ is the little cutie in the header, tell me what you think.

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