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I’m actually Screaming!

So far University life has been going well for me. Although there is the odd mental breakdown from an upcoming deadline, lack of sleep, and constant busyness it actually hasn’t been anything I can’t handle. And even the crippling deadlines, after I’ve completed them, I find the experience actually quite enjoyable and it encourages me to do my assignments earlier. You know that whole ‘learning from your mistakes’ saying.

During this current month of November I have been able to make-up with friends I had disagreements with, I was feeling organised and generally pretty awesome, and then I tripped up. Well I didn’t literally trip up, I mean life threw a sword at me that I just couldn’t dodge and that sword is my flatmates.

Now for people that know me personally, I can be pretty passive aggressive. This is mostly applicable to those outside my family. I mean with strangers, friends, work colleagues etc… I mean when someone is annoying me I don’t shout or scream at them, if it’s something petty I just let it go (even if the anger is building up inside of me with latent frustration) I bear with it.

Usually that works for me because people that make me very mad I tend to omit them from my life and if I do see them again it’s on a rare occasion. Or if I have to work with them, fair enough I may have to see them most days, but we’re not close friends and they will know nothing about my private life. I like to keep okay/good relationships with people and maintain a positive image of myself in their minds whether I like them or not.

However….I can’t do this with my flatmates…because I live with them. For the past nearly 2 months we’ve lived together, and my tolerance is wearing thin.

It’s not like they’re all bad, I won’t name names but R and T and Z are great people and I generally enjoy their presence in the flat and the fact that they’re always there to help me and have a conversation with me. Honestly they’re very nice people, but O and B have been pissing me off until no fucking end.

First B who is ‘supposedly’ older, is always screaming about smells in the flat like “who took a shite!” and then he puts it in the group chat. Sometimes I’m not in the flat or just earlier I literally just walked into the flat, put my things in my room and then two seconds later I hear him screaming about a smell and I hear him accusing me. ME! I’m so mad I fling the door open and just yell at him because by this point it’s just ridiculous. He keeps making a fuss about bodily functions and generally I think he’s doing it himself. So how the fuck dare he. I was this close to punching him and O, that were laughing at me like it was the funniest thing, in the face. Other than that though, I don’t really have too many problems with B.

Secondly there is O. When I first met O I generally liked her but by this point I can’t be asked. Why? Well for starters she doesn’t clean, she’s real sneaky, she’ll eat stuff and leave all her dishes in the sink to pile up for a weeks like some maid is gonna do it for her. But what’s more annoying is that she’ll see me or the others cleaning and then say “Oh Lexi you don’t have to clean all that, I’ll clean it up” but then conveniently something comes up or she slinks away and never does. I yelled at her about it a few weeks ago telling her “Why don’t you just do it then, if not then stop fucking acting like you’re gonna clean it pisses me off.” Apparently that made her upset, but honestly I don’t give a shit. She’s the product of being spoiled by her parents I swear.

Then, still talking about O, she’s always bragging about the new house her parents bought or her car and usually I don’t care about those type of things. Everyone comes from different socio-economic backgrounds and I respect that, but when I heard it for the 100th time I nearly lost it. Like I get it you have nice things, but some people don’t and it honestly comes off as bragging so please stop.

Edit: Thinking back on those two paragraphs. My flatmates are all quite nice people and I may be over-reacting but I was in a dark place when I wrote this, hence the title ‘I’m actually screaming’.

And of course for those of you that have been following this blog for a while and know about some of my issues with paranoia and anxiety, before I deleted those early posts, then you can understand that they make me pretty anxious. Like I keep thinking they’re talking about me behind my back and that makes me upset, plus I hear them having a party or knocking on everyone else’s door saying ‘let’s hang out’ but they never knock on mine. Granted I’m not in most of the time because of my part time job, societies, lectures and other things, because I like to keep myself busy and I need the money, but the fact that I sometimes get excluded (intentional or not) honestly hurts my feelings.

Because of these feelings I’ve began distancing myself from the group which makes it awkward because I do live with them and there are the occasional run-ins. Also it’s not that I avoid them purposefully all the time but they always love going out, to the club and stuff and they think spending money like it’s nothing all the time is acceptable and they don’t care if they’re broke. But I for one like budgeting and staying to my budget and I hate when hanging with them makes me overspend.

Overall my flat mates are stressing me out a bit, up till the point that I feel pretty exhausted and mad right now.

Hopefully it will get better.

P.S I’ve started painting my own art a little, ‘the screaming me’ is the little cutie in the header, tell me what you think.

giphy

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Blog updates

Happy Halloween!!!!

Tis the season to be scary, to be jolly to have some creepy fun.

I love Halloween!πŸŽƒ πŸŽƒ

Some people say to me that they find Halloween too scary. Someone actually told me once that they believed only Satanists could enjoy Halloween, which in my opinion is absolute stupidity. Then again she was a five year old girl and her father was the pastor of a church so her delusions can be forgiven, but still It’s not like we run around like deranged maniacs singing paganist songs.

I am, hopefully like the rest of you reading this blog, a normal person that celebrates Halloween for its enjoyable conventions, not summoning the undead.

For example I have the best time collecting sweets of all kinds despite the fact that I’m probably too old to be doing so.

Like most of us during the spooky season I enjoy drsssing up as any fantasy character I so desire and being entirely accepted for it. Unlike the weird looks you get on a train when travelling to a comic con convention, everyone is perfectly comfortable with your extra, and perhaps insane appearance. Because the season allows society to accept your craziness, even if it is for only one week or a day.

On Halloween you can go to mad parties with your friends. One of my friends went as a samurai when we went to a club recently and was waving his sword all over the place, drunk out of his mind, and not a soul batted their eyes.

Generally Halloween I believe is an innocent season where you have the ability to express yourself, eat as much sweets as you want and have all kinds of fun with your friends.

So all my dear readers have a fab Halloween!!!!

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There are always comrades in life.

Whenever you believe no one cares, you’re wrong.

Its funny to believe that in a world filled with millions to billions of people, you’re alone. That none of them care about you.

That line of thought in general is irrational. It’s statistically impossible, because your single life in one way or another has affected the lives thousands of people.

Yet this irrational line of thought is one that I kept returning to in my anxiety.

I understand and I constantly remind myself that there are many people that care about my existence.

There are many people that care about your existence but you’re just not aware.

When you’re in your darkest place, in your black hole of emotions there will always be someone there, there will always be someone that will notice. Someone that will ask after you. Reach their hand out to you. Someone to be your real friend, your place of sanctuary, your family.

It is mine, and also your job to notice the people that care. The longer you stay in your isolated little bubble of depression, thinking that no one cares about you is the longer you ignore the people that actually do care and are there for you.

Recently I started my first year of University and I’m facing the challenges of undergraduate life. Being seperated from my friends and family led me to periods of weird anxiety because I was feeling inexplicably lonely and pitying myself because I felt that I had no friends and that even If I did they didn’t care. Those kinds of negative thoughts were making me tired and sad.

I don’t like being sad or tired, I like being the positive person that makes others laugh. That refreshing breeze on a summer morning or the comforting moonlight on the darkest night. That is the type of person I want to be. Someone reliable.

During this recent Month of University I have made many friends, I have met amazing people and they noticed when I was feeling down. They noticed when I was feeling ill. I have smiled brightly and have remained positive.

They cared.

My lifetime bestfriend messages me, my family calls me. I am not alone.

I know I am loved.

There will always be people around me and around you, that will care. Knowing that they’re there makes me so much stronger.

It may seem dumb to write down ‘you’re not alone’, ‘someone cares’, as it seems so obvious. Yet actually it’s a fact so easily forgotten.

Remember you’re loved.

Have a great day xxxx

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